Hello! I am the COVID evil genie. It is good to meet you. I am here to grant some latent wishes. Want more time in your day? BAM! Want to finish that copy of Ulysses you bought years ago? Learn how to sew? I’ve got your back. BAM! Get going! That commute? Subway delays? Traffic? BAM! Gone, fuggetaboutit! Want to shop your neighborhood instead of going to Trader Joes? BAM! Done, and done? You know what you should do? Call your mother. BAM! See, I’ve given you a sense of urgency and purpose. I will grant all of your wishes. I’m just gonna do it my way. Going to cost some lives. You know. I don’t discriminate. Heads of state? BAM! Oh Borris, you tried to ignore me. I sent you a little something special to move the lockdown along. Stock market?!?! Oh, how I hope that you’re balanced! BAM! I just zapped 10 years of returns. Were you planning on retiring grandpa? Get to work. Oh, wait, you have to stay home. Mwahahahahaha!! Want to see those grand kids? Oh, I hope you like Zoom.
You won’t be able to smell the sweet hairs on their heads, or have to worry about feeding them. Oh, you people who are still working? Enjoy your digital tethers, conference calls, Hangouts, emails. Oh, and guess what, no one’s coming to clean, ‘cause I’ve given you another job. You get to be the janitor too!
By the way, I know you think you’ve flattened the curve, and that you can get rid of me but I am just getting started. Wuhan, so boring. Those South Koreans? They didn’t really want to play along. Don’t get me started on the Germans and that dour truth-telling Chancellor Angela Merkel. New York, amazing city—my kind of town. I ❤️ America. There are so many helpers, like that President of yours? That pastor still holding services? The spring breakers? Great people. That Cuomo guy? Don’t care for him. You folks staying at home? Live a little. Have a party. I’ve got work to do, and you’re holding it up. So go on, go outside and play. I know you think that you can chase me off with your vaccines but I’m a corona virus—you’e spent time with my friend, the common cold? Yeah, he’s been with us for ages. He’s such a downer, you know, sniffles, a cough, and then you bounce back. Me? I like to trade in fear and uncertainty. I like to linger. See, some of you recover, but some of you die. See, you don’t get something for nothing. Wish all you want, but you can’t wish me away. I’m the COVID evil genie, and I’m here to stay.